What to Expect When Divorcing a Narcissist

Filing for divorce is easily one of the most stressful experiences anyone can go through. While deciding to end a marriage is never painless, divorcing a narcissist is another animal entirely. Despite their deceptively charming façade, narcissists devolve into manipulative behaviors like gaslighting to maintain power and control over victims, making the traditional challenges of divorce even more difficult.

If you’re preparing to leave a narcissistic partner, it’s important to give yourself plenty of grace and credit. It takes guts to leave a highly controlling spouse, and while the journey ahead of you may look rough, taking that first step toward freedom and wellness is a testament to your strength and courage. Fortunately, there are ways to prepare for a narcissistic divorce without sacrificing your sanity in the process. Although these tips are not a “cure all” for dealing with this type of personality and behaviors, they will hopefully help alleviate some of the stress throughout the divorce process.

In this blog, we’ll review some crucial tips to give you a better idea of what to expect when divorcing a narcissist.

What Is a Narcissist?

There’s a big difference between narcissistic tendencies and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Put simply, NPD is a clinically diagnosable mental health condition in which individuals have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance.

According to the DSM-5, there are nine characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder. To be diagnosed with NPD, an individual must satisfy at least five of these criteria. These characteristics include:

1. Arrogance
2. Lack of empathy
3. Must be admired
4. A sense of entitlement
5. An inflated sense of self-importance
6. Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success
7. Using interpersonal exploitation for personal gain
8. Can only be around people who are important or special
9. Envy toward others, or the belief that others are envious of them

Common Narcissistic Divorce Tactics

During divorce, narcissists often resort to certain strategies to retain power and control, both over the victim and the relationship itself. Common tactics employed by narcissists during divorce include:

• Entitlement to assets: Due to arrogance and an inflated sense of self-importance, narcissists tend to approach divorce-related decisions—such as alimony, child custody, child support, and property division—with a sense of entitlement. They’re also more likely to hide assets, making it crucial to secure trusted representation from an experienced attorney.
• Playing to win: When divorcing a narcissist, it’s safe to assume that an amicable parting of ways is off the table. A narcissist’s only objective in a divorce is simple: they play to win. Unlike pursuing logical desired outcomes, such as retaining their share of a family business, narcissists are more likely to view “winning” as maintaining power and control over you. This leads to illogical tactics, such as drawing out the divorce proceedings to delay an inevitable end to the narcissist’s power, pushing for extensive litigation, or fighting to retain assets they don’t want or need out of spite.
• Defamation: Narcissists love the limelight, and they’ll do anything to make themselves look better in it. During a divorce, it’s common for narcissistic partners to spread nasty rumors, insults, and false accusations about their partners to make them look like the “bad guy.” Projection and deflection are powerful psychological tools intended to place the blame on you—or anyone else besides themselves.

4 Tips for Divorcing a Narcissist

While any divorce can be contentious, narcissists are capable of raising the stakes even higher. It’s essential to take appropriate steps to protect your health, safety, and well-being during this tumultuous time to make the divorce process as stress-free as possible.

Here are 4 important tips to help you prepare for divorcing a narcissistic partner:

1. Hire an experienced high-conflict lawyer.

While any licensed attorney can represent you in a divorce, it’s imperative to do your due diligence before committing to a lawyer. Securing representation from an attorney with extensive experience

handling divorces involving abusive spouses is a wise step to protect yourself from ongoing litigation abuse from your narcissistic spouse. Attorneys who have dealt with abusive parties already know what behaviors and tactics to expect throughout the case.

Although skill level and experience are important factors to consider, they’re far from the only things to consider while seeking counsel for a narcissistic divorce. When conducting your research, it may be helpful to interview potential candidates to evaluate their personal approach and strategies. You may also want to inquire as to whether they have any training on abusive behavior

2. Start preparing early.

As someone in a narcissistic relationship, you’re aware of the great lengths that narcissists can go to lie and deceive. This is why it’s imperative to start planning for your divorce well ahead of time. Before serving any divorce papers, make sure you prioritize your safety. Choosing the appropriate time to serve your partner can ensure you’re ready for what comes next. Your lawyer can help you prepare for your divorce by completing paperwork promptly and correctly and gathering compelling evidence that reflects your spouse’s true colors. Further, preparing a safety plan with an experienced lawyer, or mental health specialist will give you an ease of mind knowing what to do if things should escalate once your spouse has been served, or during the divorce process.

3. Take the high road.

This tip is unfair to ask, but very necessary to execute. It can be a tall order to rise above narcissistic behavior, especially when these tactics are intended to intimidate and tarnish your reputation. Nevertheless, taking the high road when your narcissistic spouse stays in the trenches can reflect your character, maturity, and credibility to the court.

This is especially important if you and your spouse have children. Refusing to stoop to your partner’s level can set you apart as the fit parent during child custody decisions, increasing your chance of obtaining a favorable result.

4. Consider mental health counseling.

While preparing for a high-conflict divorce can occupy most of your free time, it’s important to never lose sight of yourself and your needs. If you’re getting ready to terminate a narcissistic relationship, recognizing and meeting your own needs can feel like unfamiliar territory—especially after years or decades of gaslighting, manipulation, and other abusive behaviors.

Narcissistic relationships can leave victims with a lot of emotional injuries and unresolved trauma, increasing the risk of adverse physical and mental health effects. Setting time aside to practice self-love is an integral part of starting your healing journey. While getting through your divorce is a major victory, this isn’t the end of your story.

Partnering with a trusted mental health professional during and after the divorce can equip you with important skills that may feel rusty at first, but are very necessary to prioritize your health and emotional well-being. Leaning on a licensed counselor or support group in life’s difficult seasons can ease the transition, help you navigate complicated emotions and obstacles in your journey and build a future you’re truly excited for.

Compassionate Advocacy for Douglas County Couples

At Moreno Family Law, LLC, our dedicated family lawyer has a wealth of knowledge to guide couples and families through life’s darkest seasons. With extensive experience handling divorce, domestic violence disputes, and other family law matters, you can trust Attorney Kimberly Moreno to deliver the compassionate counsel you need to start a new chapter in the Denver Metro Area.

Preparing for a Denver divorce? Our divorce lawyers can provide the compassionate advocacy you deserve. Call (303) 590-3690 to schedule a free consultation.